Sunday, September 29, 2013

WALK THIS WAY by Angela Rose

After divorcing in 1997, I decided it wasn’t marriage or relationships that I hated….it was just HIM!

I was in my very early thirties and still very much in the prime of my life.  So into the dating game I returned. I would soon discover that I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. 

Stuck in the midst of this “new season” of my life, I had one of my time-traveler moments!  Somehow I had been sent back into middle school, except now those pre-adolescent claws had been traded in for acrylic nails and they were desperate for a man…any man! I was a bit daunted, but wasn’t hanging up my gloves yet.

At this time blind dates could still be found, but I thought “Why not give these dating ads a try?” After all, I can get exactly what I’m looking for by their “honest, heartfelt” descriptions! (SNORT) Oh, to be thirty years old and still so naïve!

I found this ad and it read, as follows:

Paul Bunyan type, looking for a full-figured woman in mid-30’s. Seeking a long term relationship and possibly marriage in the future. I love to travel, listening to music and romantic dinners.

After reading it, I said “Perfect! Looks don't matter. It is what’s in a person’s heart, and finding a person that will treat me kindly…that is most important.” 

 I left a message, he returned my call and we agreed to meet for coffee at a local shop.  At the agreed time, I pulled into the parking lot and scoped it out looking for his dark blue car.

Listen well, because it’s not often I say “I’m wrong”, but I was wrong. There is definitely something to be said about a bit of chemistry in a relationship, and even a bit of physical attraction.  When I saw him….it wasn’t there, but even if I wanted to duck out now, I couldn’t…..he spotted me!  

I parked the car, shut it off and waited for him to get out of own vehicle.  He had managed to get out of his car, but had yet to walk in my direction, so I made the first move.

As I’m crossing the parking lot, I’m having a mental conversation with all of the voices in my head.

One says. “There is something so familiar about this guy, but I can’t seem to place it.” 

Another voice piped out. “Guurrrrllll, he fell short of Paul Bunyan eighteen inches ago!” 

Then I told the voices, “Will you all shut up! It’s not like I’m getting married….it’s just a freaking coffee for God Sakes!”  

I’ll give the voices a break, because they were spot on. The man was no taller than my own, 5’2” frame and he looked familiar….almost like I had seen him in a movie, but couldn’t place which one.

When I finally reached his car,  I smiled and introduced myself.  He did the same, and we started walking down the incline of the parking lot toward the coffee shop.  First he stepped with his left foot, and then dragged his right leg behind. Step left. Drag right. Step left. Drag right.  

As I watched, he began to explain. “I fell on the ice a few months ago and broke my ankle. It’s still giving me a bit of trouble.”    

Then the little light bulb flicked on and I had one of those "OMG" moments, as I realized who the guy reminded me of! 

Then those damn voices came back.  “Bloody hell, lass!  Yer aboot to have coffee with the Hunchback of Notre Dame hisself, Quasimoto!”

I've decided I'm just too naïve to do the blind date thing anymore. Not to paddle my own boat, but I truly believe that honesty is the best policy! If you can't tell the truth about who you are in an ad, than you probably won't bother to do the same in a relationship. 
I was blessed enough to meet my true soul mate in 1998, after a very tumultuous marriage. I’m in it for good! No more dating scenes for me! Besides, trying to fill his shoes would be impossible.  Really!  He wears a size 14! 
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